It seems the past few days, my vigour has been restored. And it has hardly anything to do with newfound inspiration to better live a life of letters. In fact, I am quite ashamed not to have been reading anything worthy – or anything I can Instagram to validate my pretentiousness – except for newspapers, blogs, and magazines. What has reenergized me, instead, is an epiphany of sorts.
I will sound frivolous in saying this, but it is a risk worth taking: I’m infatuated. Well, of course, I’m infatuated with someone. But that someone has actually reeled me into a world unfamiliar to my mostly docile existence of services and sufferings to and with the city. I’m quite surprised the love smitten feeling has brought with it a new zeal for life, for everyday duties to self and to my professional engagements; a new joy in my charities and affections, whether or not it includes pain. Along with the person, are sounds and sights, desires long before suppressed by laziness and sentimentality; a simple yet profound realization I am free to be good, and I can be good, and it is good to be good.
I’m smitten over life.
Against the grain of the world’s philosophies, this desire to be good is nothing revolutionary. But the epiphany has certainly provided focus in the direction I want to take my life where there was once blurs and blots over superficial entanglements. I can sense I have more worth than I have previously thought of (or denied myself for the purpose of self-aggrandizement). My talents, my few skills, my best efforts – they can alter so much in this world for the best. And that someone shook me from the inelegant stupor I’ve allowed myself to be in, allowing me to discover something new, something great: songs I’ve never heard of, stories I’ve never believed in, possibilities in the supernatural, and even faith in the unseen.
Perhaps I’m coming off as religious, and the abovementioned sensations are brought about by a gradual converrsion of the heart. Maybe the atheist will discredit me. Maybe the nihilist would be smug. But it’s such a great thrill to have something that needs no explanation. We live in a day and age where man is obsessed to have the experienced reality be the only reality. Of course, man must be practical and scientific. He should never lose sight of the experienced world. But, as another man best put it, “Surely, a questioning mind which acknowledges the importance of asking the right question, should keep open all possibilities, including the possibility that there might be an alternative reality outside the laws of present scientific knowledge.”
And it’s the alternative reality that this person has brought to my life. No, I’m not joining a cult. I’m not even saying I’ve increased my devotion to God nor has these profound stirrings of the heart squelched my doubts over the existence of a supreme being. There is, however, the possibility of reconciliation between seemingly opposite and repulsing matters.
That even though I’m smitten over someone I will never know, and perhaps would never have the opportunity to know, given the circumstances (work ethics hamper this opportunity), I feel more alive to pursue endeavors I once took as merely imaginings. Now, I desire to be part of something bigger, to let go of my inhibitions, and let life alter me for the best. Now, I feel like I’m responsible more for myself, and that people think or do in their lives should not matter so much as to swallow my own joys. Now, I feel like I’m ready to see the world, while remaining grateful to the things I have which have gone unnoticed in the years I’ve taken only taken account of passing things.
It takes great humility to accept one does not have control over everything in life. It takes even greater humility to admit man, limited and plagued by mortality, is not perfectible and thus prone to making mistakes. Accepting this intrinsic flaw, and making it the jumping board for a leap into the unknown, is perhaps the most renewing of all that I have felt and thought the past few days. I’m not being an optimist but I do feel and believe now, more than ever, that things will be alright, and that I am actually living and ready to feel the nuances of sadness and happiness, ready for grace and grief, emotions and the lack of it, failures and victories.
Oh kindness, don’t be ashamed
don’t be afraid
of stepping naked
onto the frays
bitter kindness, don’t be astray
don’t find a way
to cross the river
dear kindness, don’t fear the pain
don’t fret over
the morning hangover
after the rain
sweet shyness, don’t hide
kindness, it never falls apart