A good friend of mine recently wrote to me giving me some good advice over my current predicament. I’m sharing excerpts of it here, just in case you’re in the same predicament as I am, and desperately need a dose of reason.
“Remember that gay ex-boyfriend I keep telling you guys about. It was more like this. We never really became an official thing, but FOR YEARS he did this to me. And even when I was already sure he was gay, I still went along while went on to hurt me for 4 more years after.
He knew that I still liked him and he used it to his advantage, it didn’t matter that I didn’t have any sort of gratification, and I knew we were never really gonna happen, I just wanted to be important to him even as a friend, and he turned out to be a freaking sociopath! He just used me whenever he was feeling down about himself then when he felt better he would completely cut me off and drop me like a hot potato. That happened 5 times and yet I convinced myself every time he comes crying back when his self esteem is bruised, that this time for sure, I will matter. I never did. Anyway…
There are points of similarities in my situation back then and yours, but let me just break it down to you, something that my friends back then should’ve said (that my best friend eventually pointed out to me when he realized it after he lived with us, thus ultimately ending my agony)
There is no scenario here where you win. There is no good end game for you. FOR HIM there are several outs, for you, there is none. He is not on the same page as you in any way or form. He has not admitted to wanting a relationship, or to even any form of attraction aside from possibly purposely provoking you without knowing (or maybe he does know) any admiration you have for him. There are so many reasons why this alone should be enough for you to leave him alone, and forget about this. People like him, well, they may have issues that stops them from admitting. Starting a relationship with someone confused, and/or struggling to accept who they are will only lead to them overly depending on you or worse aggressively venting their frustration to you for being more free than they are.
You should be with someone who is already admittedly willing to fall in love with you or willing to admit attraction for you. Being on the same page on the most simple thing: attraction (not sexual, just the basic chemistry shit) is the most important thing when you’re falling for someone.
I understand the obsession. I’ve had it with B and M and every single one of my one sided crushes. I tell you honey, it’s not worth it. I can’t tell you to stop, because the best you can do is let it run its course, you can’t just stop caring for someone because you know you shouldn’t, there is no off switch unfortunately, and I know that. We can tell you all you want to stop, but there’s no automatic way to do this.
What I can tell you, is that this will pass. You will find someone better, and you will eventually get over it. This is a heavy case of infatuation. The person just happens to be the kind of person who loves the admiration no matter what the cause. Don’t give him the satisfaction. He doesn’t get the cake and eat it too.
Steps to slowly let it run its course:
- Distract yourself go out, meet new people, or hang out with old friends. Keep yourself busy.
- Don’t spend anymore time entertaining him or pay attention to what he does. (minimize virtual stalking slowly).
- If he continues to send you mixed signals, confront him and say, “you know, I understand you may not mean to do this, but this is affecting me, so I would just really appreciate it if you stop, so it doesn’t escalate any further, and i can move on”
- Begin distancing yourself from him slowly, be civil, but not so friendly anymore
Love you Franco! Forget this fool. And focus on your conversion! You can do it!