Conversion is not becoming someone else. Rather, it is becoming the person you are destined to be – a son of God. Divine filiation is something I never truly grasped. Even today, it remains a mystery to me as so much of the faith is. And yet, it is this incomprehensible truth which I take refuge in when I am besieged by doubts.
I remain plagued by my defects, disorders, doubts, and droughts. I also continue to find myself burdened by the weight of my past sins. Can I truly become a saint? Memories of my recklessness fill my heart, and my soul’s grief and anxiety is renewed. This restlessness is exacerbated by the feeling of unease I get whenever I am surrounded by men and women I consider advanced in their interior life. And there are many of them. Can I truly reach the level of self-mastery these people possess? Am I really a son of God? Am I?