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Dear C:

I don’t know if you know. I’m not good at reading people. My gut feel is rusty; my intuition, questionable. How many times have I turned to friends to help me decode the nuances of a situation? Too many perhaps that they have grown tired of my predicament.

If you don’t know, then let it come from me. I like you. I am attracted to you. And it is because of you that I converted. Well, converted is not exactly the correct word for it. The change is still on-going, and perhaps will be until the day I die. It was because of how you made me feel, it was because of how I reacted to your kindness, that I made progress in the front of my battle against homosexual inclinations. If someone told me five years ago an “infatuation” would have led to my conversion, I would have laughed at them, perhaps even ridiculed them.

Why did I fall for you? I can only guess. You had such pensive eyes and you were full of kind words. Your shyness was charming. And you began to be kinder as I got to work with and know you more. I wrote it all down before, the progress, the moments. They confused me. Most men don’t really do what you did. Maybe I fascinated you? You made jokes and tried to be funny, and all of it tickled the fancy of my heart – a heart unused to attention. It made it easy for me to see everything in a romantic light.

As if your actions were not enough, even the universe started playing tricks on me. I ran into you frequently. So many coincidences occurred. Friends were telling me you were leading me on. Signs were surrounding me.

It drove me nuts. Here was I, trying to change my whole life, and then you came. You were a reminder of the past I was trying to break away from. You were also the future I wanted to become. And through these extremes, you were the present, you are in the present. The battle I started became more difficult as I, for the first time, struggled to suppress feelings which, before my conversion, I used to entertain. The entire wound of my being reopened. It didn’t help that after a while, I noticed you were distancing yourself from me. It didn’t help that some of your more recent actions confirmed what I felt about you.

I wish you would tell me the truth. Why you? I don’t have the guts to ask. But let me tell you my predicament. I don’t know how you truly feel about me. I don’t know if you led me on unintentionally or deliberately. Regardless of your intentions, the fact is I don’t know. I am left hanging in the air full of uncertainty. Not knowing is painful. It is torture. It is hell. Let me ask you:

Which would you choose – certainty or uncertainty? Uncertainty speaks for itself. But will you choose it over a certainty which offers two certain “evil options”? Uncertainty, in this case, means never knowing about a particular truth. Certainty, on the other hand, either leads you to the truth you were led on, or the truth you were just stupid and it was all in your mind. Which will you choose? Certainty – knowing you were deliberately made to hope, or you have been deliberately fooling yourself – or uncertainty, never knowing anything at all?

But then, what claim do I have? How can I force you to admit something you didn’t do, or you do not feel? How can I, when my brain tells me it’s impossible for you to do it, knowing your own vocation? How can I, when in my heart, I feel like it was all an illusion produced by my overactive imagination.

If you have feelings for someone, let them know. It doesn’t matter if they can be in your life or not. Maybe, it is just enough for both of you to release the truth, so healing can occur. The opposite is true, as well. If you don’t have feelings for someone then never let another person suggest that you do. Protect your reputation and be responsible for the wrong information spread about you. Never allow anyone to live with a false belief or unfounded hope about you. An honorable person sets the record straight, so that person can move on with their life. 

– Shannon L. Adder

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